This morning I woke up feeling like death. My friend once told me about how on one occasion he woke up furious and punched a wall. I was astounded by this story because I can’t really remember ever waking up and from the very first minute awake, feeling such negative emotions. Usually I’m just in a neutral zombie like half asleep phase where I don’t really get any vivid emotions.
Today I woke up with this very very dark grey feeling. I felt a little feverish and I felt not a single ounce of optimism. Dark thoughts circulated and in my second minute awake, I was obsessing over how bad I wanted the day to be over and back in bed asleep with no thoughts. I thought about how nice sleep was because you can’t experience any emotions from the day. All the present issues are on momentary hold and that’s that. All the bullshit stops for a bit.
If you ask me, that’s a pretty wack thought to be thinking about during the second minute of your day.
The entire car drive to work I grimaced and remained in my sour mood. But the window cracked open a few inches and the smooth Kanye West Graduation tunes and the orange tint of my sunglasses, all somehow picked me up from the ground by an inch.
Then, a carls junior bacon egg and cheese burrito and a medium cup of very hot black coffee (they ran out of small cups and therefore just gave me the medium cup at the price of a small one) picked me up another few inches.
By 11am I was up off the floor and in a full sprint. I don’t think I’ve experience such bipolar emotions in such a short time span. My takeaway is always believe that it will get better. There will be times where you feel like absolute shit but think about all the times in the past you’ve felt so hopelessly shitty but somehow someway find yourself surprisingly more optimistic in just a short matter of time.
Dad grounded her for not making curfew.
A few hours later, Dad had moved on while she was still very upset.
Dad suggested to her that she try Older Siblings face product because it had solved all his skin problems almost miraculously and so quickly. She responded in a very brash and brusque manner, “No it’s just because I’m not getting enough sleep.”
Dad walked away but later recounted that he was baffled and amused because he had spoken with sincere concern and sincere desire to help. He felt the response was uncalled for.
We discussed how she was not responding to his sentence. She was responding to the ‘grounding’ incident just a few hours earlier. She was responding to my brother who was in the room. She was responding out of her emotional mood.
It’s so basic but so laughably easy to forget that human communication is not logical. It’s an emotional thing. Person B’s response to Person A is a complex formulation. One factor is Person B’s words. Second factor is Person A’s mood which could be completely independent of Person B. A third factor could be Person C and person D who are in the room, both of which could possibly be completely unrelated to Person B’s words. A fourth factor could be the location of Person A and B at the time of conversation.
So many different factors. But it’s so easy for Person B to become outraged and cry injustice and hold their fists up in righteous anger because, A’s RESPONSE was not the appropriate response to THEIR WORDS.
I can’t see any downsides to getting it through our thick skulls that people in daily life simply just don’t respond to what you’re saying. They’re often times responding to everything BUT what you’re saying. Kind of a tangent but i think this is an important quality to look for when finding the right person for you. You want someone who understands this idea very well. You want someone who when you snap at them and respond poorly, are patient enough, compassionate enough, and big enough, and more than anything superhuman enough, to stash away their reflexively angry emotions and feelings of having being wronged, and simply walk away. And then an hour later, gentfully and tactfully attempt to get them to talk about what exactly they ARE responding to. Work. A prior incident. A mood. Etc.
And of course, it would only be fair for you to develop these skills as well so that when the time comes, you can extend the same kind of gracious love when needed. To add tangent to tangent, this whole idea is a perfect example of why siblings and family is so important. Family members are so damn good at displaying the above misbehaviors. Friends tend to control themselves better. When you grow up constantly running into little conflicts on the daily, you began to see the common roots of them and learn how to manage that.
Triple tangent. If you have parents that demonstrate this kind of superhuman control, how truly blessed you are. I can’t even imagine how many times I’ve snapped or thrown a completely undeserved fit at my parents yet the said nothing and let it go. They did this for just about two decades! I’m only now really realizing how patient they were letting all those incidents slide. I’m frankly simultaneously appalled at my history of behavior and amazed at how they handled it. They patiently waited knowing that one day I’d see how hurtful it can be to a relationship when you bring everything outside of it in, and how often we do it despite this understanding.
An MIT research team a few years back did a study on habits.
They concluded that their existed the habit loop.
All habits consist of three stages.
Cue. Routine. Reward.
Identifying cues is the most overlooked aspect of habitbreaking.