July 22, 2014
7/21

I had a really difficult time falling asleep last night. It could be due to the half can of Coke I drank at 10, or maybe it was the light from my handheld. I hear that displays prevent the natural release of your sleepy chemicals.

I lay in bed, mind spinning. I browsed humans of New York for about half an hour, alternatively uplifted and discouraged. Some of the stories really make you think and for a second, your mirror neurons flare up and you get a ever so slight taste of their struggle. 

I was feeling very discouraged and as negativity began to push out the good and whole things in my heart, I spiraled downwards and downwards until all I could feel was distance, loneliness, and ennui. I bemoaned my situation. Oscillating between work and home, work and home, work and home. No time for friends and none of the previous summer’s festivities. In my good moments, I can push these things away by considering how I am building character and learning some invaluable lessons that far outweigh a casual summer frolicking with the boys and gals. But in these shakier moments, all that goes flying out.

This continued through morning as we drove to work. My Dad asked me why I looked so dead. I responded that I had not slept. I did not tell him that I had spent the entirety of the early morning hours up until four am drowning in a mix of emotions precisely the opposite of feeling driven, fulfilled, and excited about life.

Three hours later and one hot black coffee down, I chugged on through work, just crossing things off my list despite the horrible feels.

By 12 am however, the dark heaviness had gone and I was moderately optimistic and okay with where I was.

By evening, I was hooting with joy coming back from the gym and feeling solid.

Just another instance of starting off so awfully depressed and finishing strong.

Emotions are not to be trusted. They’re horribly mendacious renegades.

*I just read this out loud to my brother and verbatim, ” Amen, fuck emotions. They slap you around like a bitch.*

July 20, 2014
Lydia Ko Wins Marathon Classic With Closing Birdie

Wow, 17 years old and making LPGA history.

July 20, 2014
jlin7

He’s in LA now!!!

July 20, 2014

Usher Figgy Remix

July 19, 2014

Anonymous said: How's your summer?

Good!!! :) Thank you for asking.

July 15, 2014
7/11/14

This morning I woke up feeling like death. My friend once told me about how on one occasion he woke up furious and punched a wall. I was astounded by this story because I can’t really remember ever waking up and from the very first minute awake, feeling such negative emotions. Usually I’m just in a neutral zombie like half asleep phase where I don’t really get any vivid emotions.

Today I woke up with this very very dark grey feeling. I felt a little feverish and I felt not a single ounce of optimism. Dark thoughts circulated and in my second minute awake, I was obsessing over how bad I wanted the day to be over and back in bed asleep with no thoughts. I thought about how nice sleep was because you can’t experience any emotions from the day. All the present issues are on momentary hold and that’s that. All the bullshit stops for a bit. 

If you ask me, that’s a pretty wack thought to be thinking about during the second minute of your day.

The entire car drive to work I grimaced and remained in my sour mood. But the window cracked open a few inches and the smooth Kanye West Graduation tunes and the orange tint of my sunglasses, all somehow picked me up from the ground by an inch.

Then, a carls junior bacon egg and cheese burrito and a medium cup of very hot black coffee (they ran out of small cups and therefore just gave me the medium cup at the price of a small one) picked me up another few inches.

By 11am I was up off the floor and in a full sprint. I don’t think I’ve experience such bipolar emotions in such a short time span. My takeaway is always believe that it will get better. There will be times where you feel like absolute shit but think about all the times in the past you’ve felt so hopelessly shitty but somehow someway find yourself surprisingly more optimistic in just a short matter of time.

—————

Dad grounded her for not making curfew. 

 A few hours later, Dad had moved on while she was still very upset.

Dad suggested to her that she try Older Siblings face product because it had solved all his skin problems almost miraculously and so quickly. She responded in a very brash and brusque manner, “No it’s just because I’m not getting enough sleep.”

Dad walked away but later recounted that he was baffled and amused because he had spoken with sincere concern and sincere desire to help. He felt the response was uncalled for.

We discussed how she was not responding to his sentence. She was responding to the ‘grounding’ incident just a few hours earlier. She  was responding to my brother who was in the room. She was responding out of her emotional mood. 

It’s so basic but so laughably easy to forget that human communication is not logical. It’s an emotional thing. Person B’s response to Person A is a complex formulation. One factor is Person B’s words. Second factor is Person A’s mood which could be completely independent of Person B. A third factor could be Person C and person D who are in the room, both of which could possibly be completely unrelated to Person B’s words. A fourth factor could be the location of Person A and B at the time of conversation.

So many different factors. But it’s so easy for Person B to become outraged and cry injustice and hold their fists up in righteous anger because, A’s RESPONSE was not the appropriate response to THEIR WORDS.

I can’t see any downsides to getting it through our thick skulls that people in daily life simply just don’t respond to what you’re saying. They’re often times responding to everything BUT what you’re saying. Kind of a tangent but i think this is an important quality to look for when finding the right person for you. You want someone who understands this idea very well. You want someone who when you snap at them and respond poorly, are patient enough, compassionate enough, and big enough, and more than anything superhuman enough, to stash away their reflexively angry emotions and feelings of having being wronged, and simply walk away. And then an hour later, gentfully and tactfully attempt to get them to talk about what exactly they ARE responding to. Work. A prior incident. A mood. Etc. And of course, it would only be fair for you to develop these skills as well so that when the time comes, you can extend the same kind of gracious love when needed. To add tangent to tangent, this whole idea is a perfect example of why siblings and family is so important. Family members are so damn good at displaying the above misbehaviors. Friends tend to control themselves better. When you grow up constantly running into little conflicts on the daily, you began to see the common roots of them and learn how to manage that. Triple tangent. If you have parents that demonstrate this kind of superhuman control, how truly blessed you are. I can’t even imagine how many times I’ve snapped or thrown a completely undeserved fit at my parents yet the said nothing and let it go. They did this for just about two decades! I’m only now really realizing how patient they were letting all those incidents slide. I’m frankly simultaneously appalled at my history of behavior and amazed at how they handled it. They patiently waited knowing that one day I’d see how hurtful it can be to a relationship when you bring everything outside of it in, and how often we do it despite this understanding.

———

An MIT research team a few years back did a study on habits.

They concluded that their existed the habit loop.

All habits consist of three stages.

Cue. Routine. Reward.

Identifying cues is the most overlooked aspect of habitbreaking.

July 9, 2014

When i first started posting, it was all narratives. I think i’ve kind of strayed from that and often I am writing in a very vague, nebulous fashion. This is unfortunate because it’s the human details of daily life that at least for me, make reading and writing worthwhile.

Going to try to get back to that. A story a day, short or long, deep or funny, descriptive or action packed- no matter. As long as it has human details, not just words strung together. I want to write a picture.

July 9, 2014
8th

11:04 p.m.
It’s been a full day’s work including various drives back and forth picking the siblings up. Mother came back from Korea. I noticed today after hugging my mom that reunions amongst family members get different as you grow up. They become more and more honest. We’re more direct and vocal with our emotions saying I missed you when one has missed the other. Fairly elementary I know but families seem to have a way of complicating even the simplest things sometimes. And in my family where physical affection is uncomfortable and just uncommon, we’ve become much more affectionate.

Dad, Josephine, Rachael and I went to the gym today. We drove the brand new red and black Mini Cooper. Josephine was giddy with excitement all afternoon at finally having a car to call her own. My younger sister and I foolishly tried to sabotage her happiness by loudly declaring how much we liked OUR new car. These not subtle subtle pronoun drops were designed to challenge her concept of ownership. But her mirth was immense and unpeturbable.

Laying here on the couch with the soothing air condition whirring overhead and the warm glow of my iphone im front as I type in notes.

This morning was better. More patient. Less irritability. I’m hoping tomorrow will be even better.

Getting better at discerning image verse truth.

Learning how to control my emotions in the workplace and not to expect my standards from others. Learning that business is 100% about humans. That’s hyperbole but the point is, it’s more than just important. It’s what makes the whole thing go.

Checklists are damn good. Feels so good to cross something out. Learning that a good strategy for me is to make a list and them get some nice momentum going from knocking down easier tasks. I then let this carry me into the larger more demanding ones. Instead of tackling it from the get go, i build my mood and energy- which is never good in the morning lately.

July 8, 2014
But Really

Today I woke up extremely pissy. One hour later and one cup of coffee down however, I felt much more positive.

My morning mood is so unstable. I feel within me incredible impatience and irritability. I am furiously judgmental. I think these are symptoms of a deeper instability within me because these kinds of feelings in the morning are relatively new.

I challenge myself to wake tomorrow in peace and calm. To focus just on breathing and to go downstairs and drink a tall cup of water. To enjoy the minty sharpness of the toothpaste. To pause and take note of the perfect scent formulation of my face wash. To think about the ways in which I have it good.

July 8, 2014
Repetitious Necessities


I think every kid in the world has grown up hearing certain ‘key phrases’ all their life. It’s that one line that seems to always come up at the conclusion of every speech. It’s that one cute little adage that seems to squirm itself into every little single situation that comes up, no matter how disparate. Some iconic ones from my life thus far:

"Don’t half-ass things."

"How many times have I told you?! Don’t assume things."

"Don’t say "I thought…""

"Details will make or break you son."

"What your room looks like shows what the inside of you looks like."

"Maturity is thinking about others."

"Tim, I’m telling you, you keep thinking you’re so good and God will put you through hard, hard times."

"People don’t change until they experience real pain. I mean, real pain."

"I don’t give a shit about how rich and successful my sons become. Because if you’re prideful and disrespect God, I have failed."

"Never marry an only child."

"It’s okay to make mistakes. But never do things that you can’t make a U-turn. Like don’t fry your brains out with drugs. And don’t get a girl pregnant. Everything else, I’m fine with."

"People who make money without having to work for it, always get into trouble."

"Stick by your first love. I’ve seen so many people get rich. You know what’s the first thing they do Tim? Leave their wife and pick up a younger woman. But that younger women isn’t marrying you for you. They’re only with you for your money and power. Noone will ever love you for you like your first wife who’s been there since when you were poor and nobody."

These are all that I can think of right now. It’s crazy how many times I’ve heard these in my life. Literally though, each one at least twenty times. It’s funny though how although at certain times in my Life I’ve recoiled in frustration at hearing the same thing for the millionth time, I can finally  start to see them for what they’re worth and how little aphorisms and sayings can shape a Life. I’m very curious about all my friends’ fathers and mothers. What are some things you’ve heard a million times? I find it fascinating how an answer can say so much about the parent’s lived experiences and what they value. 

July 8, 2014
 

 

(Source: photohshoot)

July 8, 2014
Cheers

It’s 12:21 am. July 8th.

I’m downstairs alone, sitting at the dining room table with my headphones in. Everywhere else in the house my family members are fast asleep. It’s been this way for the longest time. I can remember many nights my junior and senior year where I would work in the wee hours of the morning all by myself while everyone else slumbered. One thing I always made sure to do was turn on as many lights as possible. This was something my mother often scolded me about. What a waste of electricity she said. But I always responded by nodding and listening to her footsteps. As soon as they faded, I immediately flicked the lights back on and got to work. Working on the computer with a bunch of darkness behind you is just too unnerving.

At around four this afternoon, I began the drive down to San Diego with my father and sister. The original plan had been for me to stay at work while just my dad drove Rachael down to her archery lesson. But my Dad was too tired and thought that he wouldn’t be able to make the drive down and back up singlehandedly, so he asked me to come. I eagerly agreed because I had already been in the office for six hours. Furthermore, drives with my Dad usually make for the best conversations.

We finally got there and her lesson began. It was supposed to go for an hour, but it ended up lasting more than two and a half hours in length.

Considering that her coach is also the United States Olympic head coach, this extra time carried a lot of meaning. It was a vote of confidence. Quite simply put, he felt that my sister was a good investment.

"In all my years coaching, I’ve only met two people who can ‘group’ like that. The first Brady Ellis. The second- is you."

Just to break that down a bit, ‘group’ is a technical archery term that refers to the way arrows should clump together when shot in a series. If an archerer shoots ten arrows, what’s significant is not how many bull’s eyes she got, but how close the ten arrows are to each other. Ten arrows in a small patch at the very edge of the target is better than ten arrows scattered about the middle two rings. Brady Ellis is the man who won the gold medal at last year’s Olympics and is Coach Lee’s latest protege. “You” in the context of this story, is my sister.

I was proud, and I was amazed. My sister possesses a raw talent that according to the Head Coach of both the US Olympic Team and the Australian Olympic team, he has previously never observed in anyone but the current world champion.

My sister was again encouraged and I could see her feeling this sense of deep validation. I could see here fire relit and restoked. 

It’s strange to think, but maybe one day I’ll be in crowd screaming at the top of my lungs, national anthem piercing through the sky, my sister on the podium. 

That’s something I truly believe in. And this is me trying to renew my commitment to being a good brother and encouraging her like no other, instead of always breaking her down in little petty ways here and there.

July 6, 2014
"Noone can live happily who has regard for himself alone and transforms everything into a question of his own utility."

— Seneca

July 6, 2014

I tell myself that before I can take care of others, I need to get myself together first. It’s a convenient excuse.

But it’s funny because I know that only in taking care of others, will I start getting back together.

Stop letting myself sink deep into my thoughts. Put that on hold for at least a few moments. And focus instead on their thoughts.

July 6, 2014
@24fitness

I carry this belief within me that I am exceptional. I believe that I am uniquely talented and destined for great success. In this I truly believe. I guess this translates into a certain kind of pride that I carry with me everywhere which is another issue entirely.

Today i was at the gym. I was curling 35’s enjoying the burn. The wall that the rack of weights is pushed up against is a long one. It extends across the entire length of the building for the most part. And like most gyms, this entire wall is covered from floor to ceiling in mirrors. You can see everyone in the room.

While I stood there drenched in sweat and two sets in, it occurred to me that despite all my thinking, I was not that much different. There was my self perception. and then there was the reality of our equality.

There was dare I say my delusion, and then the facts.

The truth was apparent when I made an honest assessment of how I spent my time in comparison to how they spent theirs. I really was doing nothing extraordinary in my time. I spent my time just as every other mediocre person would.

How then, could i be different?

Going back to the basics. Even though i’m confused and apathetic so often, I’m going to focus on the idea of ‘what am I doing to separate myself from the rest.’ If i truly want to be exceptional, than the way I live my life on a daily basis must be exceptional. Obvious but not.

Today i was reminded that in order to achieve my dreams, i must be doing things that everyone else is not doing.

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